I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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