I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
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