Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
