I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
