he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
