does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
