(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
