The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
What drink are we having for lunch?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
