i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
