I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
