Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
