fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
