she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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