youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
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