do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
