Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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