Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Randomize
