Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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