watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
