Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
