Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
he shaved USA in his pubs
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Randomize
