I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
Randomize
