unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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