It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
