Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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