Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Randomize
