The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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