i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize