SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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