He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
why is half of my head shaved?
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