By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Randomize
