OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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