im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
