Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
