i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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