i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
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