Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
It's 3am, i just got back from ht e bars and registered for classes larteeeeee. History of baseball at 8am? at least ill meet the only stragiht gusy at NYU!
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Randomize