Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
