I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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