I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
