We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
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