At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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