one word: firstdatebathroomanal
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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