Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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