Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Randomize
