We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
