I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
