I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
