it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
is wine microwaveable?
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
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