Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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