He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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