Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize