I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
