I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
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