you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
