I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Randomize
