woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
