I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
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