I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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