my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
