Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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