Michael Bay diarrhea
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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