i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
