She is in my trunk
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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