Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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